Close, But No Cigarette

Thank you everyone for all the heartfelt support and well wishes. It’s been quite an emotional rollercoaster these last few days.

I just want to say a few quick things right now before delving deeper into my full race experience in the coming days.

First and foremost, congratulations to John Kelly on becoming the 15th ever finisher of The Barkley Marathons! John and I got to spend four laps together and we were a great team. I have a solid grasp on most of the course, as does John and we worked together very effectively to help launch each other into lap 5 with enough time to close it out.

John grew up in Oak Ridge, 30 minutes away, and he and his family have been hiking and camping in the park his entire life. When we discussed lap 5 direction, while on loop 4, John said “When I’ve dreamed of finishing Barkley, it’s always been while coming down Chimney Top (clockwise) as I’ve hiked there so much with my family.”

John Kelly is the 15th person to ever finish The Barkley Marathons. John Kelly deserves more congrats and recognition than I do right now. Please take a second to properly congratulate him on his phenomenal accomplishment.

Regarding my finish yesterday. After collecting my 13th and final book page, having not stopped moving for even a second on my fifth and final lap, the fog had once again set in. As I went over the final bump on the course I knew I would hit a trail, go left, and run down into camp with maybe five minutes to spare, but the math added up, I was going to make it.

In the fog I was a few degrees off course and when I hit my trail I must’ve trended into it left and then continued following it, now counting down the minutes till I would intersect the final turn down the last switchbacks into camp, with about two miles to go.

Something didn’t feel right though, it was taking too long (like these brief few words) so I checked direction and it seemed to be right, but in my deprived state I didn’t assess that I should have rapidly been heading east, and not south for more then a few seconds. I pushed harder now, wondering why the “pillars of death” just would not appear. Did I step over them in the fog and not realize it? No I thought, not possible, so I pushed harder, and then I came to a staircase. There are no staircases on the Barkley course, not a one.

I ripped open my map and the gravity of things hit me. I did not have enough time left to correct my mistake by going up and over the mountain again. If I did this I would have finished in maybe 60:05 and I would not be an official Barkley Marathons finisher. Here’s the thing though, that’s exactly what I should have done, and the one regret I have after now sleeping is not doing just that.

The Barkley Marathons is not an orienteering style race. You do not get to select the route that best favors you between books. You need to navigate between books, off trail, but in a very specific direction of travel. My finish, even if it were 6 seconds faster would not have counted. I put Laz and the race in a precarious situation and in hindsight I’m glad I was six seconds over so that we didn’t have to discuss the validity of my finish.

In that raw moment however, I see two options, turn back up the mountain and finish over time, or shoot a bearing and find yet one more reserve of energy to get to the yellow gate in under 60 hours. I bushwhacked down the mountain at breakneck speed and I found myself at a large river. The river was maybe fifteen feet wide and absolutely raging from all the rain we were experiencing. I took one step off the river bank and was already chest deep. I would never have made the decision to attempt to swim such waters under anything other than a highly sleep deprived and stressed state of mind.

I washed out on the other side maybe thirty feet down stream. I continued buswhacking and quickly spotted the road into camp. I had less than three minutes left till the sixty hour cutoff. I thrashed my way to the road and put my head down and gutted out the hardest three minutes of my life to collapse at the gate, overtime, and from the wrong direction. I did not finish The Barkley Marathons, and that is no one’s fault but my own. That one fatal error with just over two miles to go haunts me.

Congrats to John Kelly on one hell of a run and thanks to every single person who makes The Barkley what it is.

My crew were amazing and I can’t thank them enough for all that they did for me this past weekend. Linda, Reed, Shawn, Kim and Ethan. I love you guys and I couldn’t have come so close without each and every one of you.

 GR

Comments

134 responses to “Close, But No Cigarette”

  1. Kris Uebelhardt Avatar
    Kris Uebelhardt

    The whole of Canada was with you this weekend Gary. You are a hero and an inspiration to us all.

  2. Richard Souaid Avatar
    Richard Souaid

    RESPECT is pretty much all I have to say 😉

  3. Brad Dains Avatar
    Brad Dains

    I agree that John deserves an incredible congratulations, but you do as well. Congratulations on your grace and humility in the situation. Your attitude when things were said and done were amazing and something that you should be proud of. The event may not have played out to what you were hoping for, but there were thousands of people around the globe cheering you on. Be #16!!!!!!

  4. Gary Jones Avatar
    Gary Jones

    I can’t even fathom what you went through or how you feel. You are one of 16 people that have ever even made it that far in the world. Laz’s race is made to break those who are used to setting goals and achieving them. The journey you had getting to the 5th loop and how you reacted after you finished is what you should see as your crowning achievement. You are a hero for many people who can’t nor will ever be able to even attempt something like the Barkley. Hold your head high, don’t let things haunt you and process what happened.

  5. Run Darling Avatar
    Run Darling

    Bravo Gary!! You are a true sportsman, with one hell of an inspiring amount of determination and class! Such a valiant effort! You have taught us so many valuable lessons in 60:00:06. Hats off to you oh bad ass bearded one!

  6. Rick O'Shea Avatar
    Rick O’Shea

    Amazing accomplishment no matter what. How many even make it to the fifth loop? Exactly. Great job! Mad respect.

  7. Jé Jrdn Avatar
    Jé Jrdn

    RESPECT !!! CONGRATULATIONS From FRANCE… 😉

  8. Mike Melton Avatar
    Mike Melton

    Gary – Although I’ve not seen you race in person, the grace and dignity with which you handled yourself in the minutes after your arrival at the Yellow Gate demonstrates your class and integrity in a way that words cannot convey. You are the embodiment of what ultrarunning means to me. Thank you for showing us all what it means to compete at the Barkley Marathons.

    Sincerely,

    Mike MeltonJensen Beach, FLmike@mcmelton.com

  9. John McAlister Avatar
    John McAlister

    Such a tough situation to handle. But you’re so much tougher. Whether or not you return to Barkley, you will undoubtedly continue to demonstrate strength, excellence and integrity in all you do. Thanks for inspiring so many of us to always give our best.

    John McAlister

  10. DeanoVermont Avatar
    DeanoVermont

    You, sir, are the most honorable of men.

  11. Michael Wardian Avatar
    Michael Wardian

    Gary, I only saw some of what you did in person but it was so rad and inspiring and I hope I am at a point to share more of the race with you in the future. Recover well my friend. Cheers, Mike

  12. Nagy Pal Daniel Avatar
    Nagy Pal Daniel

    You are awesome!!!!! Congrats!!!

  13. Lindie Gardner Avatar
    Lindie Gardner

    Gary, you are such an inspiration to me! You, Linda, Kim, and Ethan are so amazing and fun to follow. I will be running my first 50-miler this summer, hiking/trail running the Wonderland trail, and registering for more ultras in the future — and that has so much to do with you. Your determination, perseverance, and optimism are contagious. You are a great role model to other runners. Congratulations on your accomplishment this weekend and thank you!!

  14. Ferg Hawke Avatar
    Ferg Hawke

    Savage effort Gary, you gave all you had, that’s all you can give!

  15. Adam Duncan Avatar
    Adam Duncan

    Well said and amazed about your attitude about the finish. You are such an inspiration to so many!!! I truly hope you tackle this again and with all of Canada behind you, you’ll be a BM100 finisher. Thank you!!

  16. patrick voo Avatar
    patrick voo

    An amazing effort and result no matter what. You make us proud to be runners, and Canucks!

  17. Aika Lynn Avatar
    Aika Lynn

    Still an amazing accomplishment – you are definitely someone to look up to and aspire to. You are an inspiring individual and a tough person. Great job and you deserve all the credit and support and so much more!

  18. Christine Sirsi Vincent Avatar
    Christine Sirsi Vincent

    You are an inspiration! Your heart and determination shows that if you put your mind to something there is always a way. You may not be an official finisher but you finished and what an amazing thing that is. Just to toe the start line of this race is a huge thing but to accurately finish all 5 loops just incredible. I was pulling for you and heartbroken for you when I heard the outcome! Be so proud of what you did!! You have inspired me even more to run my first 100 this year!! Mad respect from a fellow ultra runner in Roseville, California!!!

  19. Betsy Scholl Avatar
    Betsy Scholl

    You, Sir, are a true sportsman and a gentleman, and your graciousness is a lesson to everyone. Thank you.

  20. Dale Holdaway Avatar
    Dale Holdaway

    Gary, you have my utmost admiration and congratulations on your effort! It was truly inspiring to see such raw and complete pursuit of an almost unattainable objective. And your sportmanship in the face of such an unimaginable finish is amazing. Best wishes as you recover and plot the future!

  21. Gareth Bradley Avatar
    Gareth Bradley

    Always next year 😀

    Well done.

  22. Giuseppe Cavallo Avatar
    Giuseppe Cavallo

    Your training was inspiring, your effort during the race was outstanding. But everything you have done and said since you touched the gate is what separate you from most of us. Gary Robbins, you are an exceptional athlete and a true gentlemen. You have all my respect! Rest and recover well!I hope to see you at HURT again next year.

  23. James Wanless Avatar
    James Wanless

    Amazing work Gary. Huge props.

  24. Gadery Poluki Avatar
    Gadery Poluki

    You and John are people that are making humanity, the most beautiful things among all, on this planet. Even not even fully recognized/appreciated by the others. Fighting your own daemons, human body limitations, you’re best of the bests. Those who have little bit of simple empathy, can be totally moved, humbled and amazed by your accomplishments. Huge respect to you Gary, of course to John as well (those who are already saying, that he’s just "another finisher" pushed away by your drama – are completely wrong). It’s an absolutely honor, at least for me, to whitness all of this.And watching you again (Strava, blog, YT), motivated by this "unfinished business", during next year’s training for the following BM100 – will be a privilege. Thank you so much, all BM participants, teams and organizers! You’re adding so much positive to the balancing act of human race accomplishments.

  25. eva hero Avatar
    eva hero

    I know that finishing the Barkley was what you set out to do. The whole twitterverse rooted for you and cheered you on. We all wanted you to achieve your goal. But what you showed me, everyone, at the end, not the ending you were after, not the ending we all wanted you to have, was so very humbling and impressive and graceful.All I can say is thank you.

  26. Mike Estes Avatar
    Mike Estes

    Wow! Even a bigger fan for how you’ve handled this with such class. Can’t wait to read the longer report when you get to it. Speedy recovery!

  27. Deborah Scharpff Sexton Avatar
    Deborah Scharpff Sexton

    The true tests in our lives are not how we celebrate our victories but in how we deal with our defeats. I followed the race the whole 60 hours. I also followed it last year. I know you did not leave a drop of anything out on that course. I have no comprehension of how anyone can push themselves that hard. I can only imagine the crushing disappointment you felt when you knew you came up such a teeny tiny bit short. But you will be remembered through out all time for your heroic efforts to finish and even more importantly, the grace and dignity that you accepted your defeat. You are an example to all of us of true sportsmanship and courage. You will be an inspiration to me for the rest of my life, anytime I must face a trial or endure anything. Thank you for who you are and for sharing your experience. And I really hope you will try again. I know you will succeed!

  28. Roca Amell Josep LLuis Avatar
    Roca Amell Josep LLuis

    Great effort and a very great run! Congratulations! You’ll sure be the 16Th to finish Barkley Marathon!

  29. Darrell McTague Avatar
    Darrell McTague

    you are an incredible human being. What you accomplished this past weekend is awe-inspiring, and regardless of the final 2 miles… you accomplished a feat most people simply cannot comprehend. Simply being accepted and toeing the start is an achievement… one which becomes exponentially greater with every step you take past that start line. Not like anyone needs to tell you… but be proud of that, and don’t let the way it ended overshadow the immense achievement of the day.

    The running community, I’m sure, looks forward to seeing you face Laz and his monster again next year.

  30. Alex van Oostrum Avatar

    Reading your words is truly awe-inspiring Gary. In a day and age of shortcuts and quick wins, you have shown that in adversity we can find strength and, more importantly, good grace. What a run.

    AVO

  31. Morag Crocker Avatar
    Morag Crocker

    You may have been running alone on loop 5 but you had so many people, from home and across Canada, rooting for you and praying that you were still going strong out in the forest… and you were! I hope you know how incredibly proud we all are!!!!!

  32. Sazel Pokharel Avatar
    Sazel Pokharel

    You are an inspiration to thousands of people around the world. Cigarette or not you are a true hero.Thank you!

  33. Stephen Cousins Avatar
    Stephen Cousins

    You’re absolutely right Gary. Sometimes we just have to hold our hands up and say "yup, my mistake and I take responsibility. That’s what you have done and with superb dignity. Look, it’s a tough race no doubt. But you will finish this and once you get over the gut wrenching sickness of the 2017 attempt, you can get back on the horse and go for it again and you have every chance of completing. Well done. Truly well done.

  34. Mike Hudson Avatar
    Mike Hudson

    Huge Congrats to John, but as a fellow Canadian you are my hero. Often times it is in defeat that we show our true character. It is easy to be humble in victory, but in such a defeat it is even more remarkable. Gary, you should be proud of your journey and when you do conquer Barkley it will be that much better! Cheers to you on an impressive showing 2 years in a row!

  35. Borrey Kim Avatar
    Borrey Kim

    Gary,Let just say how much respect and admiration I have for your performance last weekend. I whole heartily congratulate John Kelly and he deserves more praise than he is getting. That said, once things have settled and as you collect your thoughts. I can only dream of lending you my thoughts as a spectator.As an average runner I can no longer relate to wining the Olympics or Stanley Cup ( as were the dream of many Canadian boys growing up ). That said I now gravitate to stories. While finishing the Barkley is an accomplishment and I can only imagine that John Kelly is a phenomenal athlete and person, no one can take that away from him.I want to just thank you for sharing your journey with the weeks leading up to the race and showing humility and grace to the rest of the world in your most nakedness. Opening up your life must not be easy and the work you do to share your passion for the sport ( and putting on some of the most amazing races ) spreads into the running community and allows us to collectively go through an experience with you. In some ways it draws us with empathy and gives us hope that we can show class in such adversity. All your accomplishments are yours and we will never be able to really share the accomplishment of finishing Laz’s race, but we see your grit and perseverance and respect for the sport and ‘the race’ aspire to more like the Gary we hear about.

  36. Frances Rousseau Avatar
    Frances Rousseau

    I cried real tears on Monday afternoon watching you finish having following along all weekend (thanks #bm100 Keith Dunn et al). Inspirational !

  37. Kristi Fox Avatar
    Kristi Fox

    Gary Robbins, you have my utmost respect. The determination, endurance, and inner and physical strength you showed during the race is an inspiration to all of us who endeavor in our athletic pursuits. And then the class and dignity you showed at the end of the race and in such a heartbreaking situation is an example to all. I know that if you decide to do the Barkley again, you will show that race it cannot defeat you. You are a winner and a hero in my books.

  38. Andrea Bailey Avatar
    Andrea Bailey

    It was an amazing accomplishment, and a heartbreaking blow at the end. Thank you for letting us armchair fans tag along, and from training to race day(s), witness an incredible feat of strength and endurance.

  39. Guy Pauley Avatar
    Guy Pauley

    The fact you are even writing a blog post this soon is incredible! Dude, that was one of the most inspirational things I’ve ever heard of. In my next race when things get rough I’m gonna ask myself "what would Gary Robbins do? He’d keep pushing, that’s what." And then that’s what I’ll do. You are gonna get that Barkley finish next year brother…

  40. Martin Criminale Avatar
    Martin Criminale

    Damn Gary, I can’t imagine doing this event or what you are going through. Thanks though for being such an advocate for this sport, this event and for John Kelly (and all finishers). I enjoy reading what you write.

  41. Sonya Turner Avatar
    Sonya Turner

    I’m not sure if it was your wife or Laz who said it, but it couldn’t be more true. Those of us who know what you did, know what you did. You made an error that cost you an official finish, but it in no way diminishes what you did achieve. For 60 hours you showed us what strength, commitment, partnership and courage look like, and for 60 hours those of us watching both tried to send our strength to you and also absorbed strength from your resolve. But your grace in defeat, your respect for the race and your fellow athletes, is more admirable to me than anything I have seen in sport. Even in a moment of utter devastation, you remembered what it’s all about: gratitude, respect, honesty, acceptance, perseverance… (and a sense of humor). Rest well knowing that your achievement, while not what you set out to do, is one for the record books, not just because you showed us how to be a great athlete but how to be a great human being.

  42. Joanne Watkins Avatar
    Joanne Watkins

    Well then first and foremost congratulations John Kelly! What an accomplishment.Then congratulations to you, Gary Robbins, you inspire. I can’t wait to read of your finish in the near further. It’s been an adventure just following along online with my son and getting to talk about this awesome Newfies journey and mad skill. I get lost in fog in my own backyard on a full nights sleep!Congrats and take care!

  43. ETR Edmonton Trail Runners Avatar
    ETR Edmonton Trail Runners

    Glad the river didn’t get you. There are endings that could have been more tragic than this one.

  44. David Blouin Avatar
    David Blouin

    Thank you for all the emotions you have given to every Barkley followers (we can’t really watch it, but we sure followed it through every bit of updates on twitter or else), especially the Canadian kind. Can’t wait to hear more about your great story. I truly hope you get to do a conference/discussion in the national capital region, I would love to attend such an event. Get well soon.

  45. Julie Pierce Avatar
    Julie Pierce

    Gary, it was an amazing experience watching you from afar during the run. Your response after to what happened at the end has been every bit as amazing and inspirational. Thank you.

  46. Marinus Waterberg Avatar
    Marinus Waterberg

    Yes, absolute congratulations to John. And, to you also, as much for the extreme class you displayed in addition to the amazing physical accomplishment. You had countless people, myself included, on the edge of our chairs cheering you on. And while it may be hard now in the day-after moments, we all congratulate you. You are truly inspirational as a person and an athlete.

  47. Polly Cutting Avatar
    Polly Cutting

    You are awesome!!!!

  48. Craig Simmons Avatar
    Craig Simmons

    Amazing job to John and you. Way to gut it out and do what you had to do. You get the "balls" award for swimming a damn river to get back. Watching the videos was heartbreaking, but SO inspiring… I’ve heard you are "done" with Barkley, but I hope not. You were as close as you can possibly get. You deserve a finish!

  49. Duane Hollahan Avatar
    Duane Hollahan

    You did Newfoundland & Canada proud my friend!

  50. Wing Taylor Avatar
    Wing Taylor

    Gary, it was a staggering achievement by both you and John. I’ve never seen so much heart in any performance in any sport. It was a true privilege to witness.

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